A Dream I Always Have

Last night I dreamt again about my childhood home. It was very intense. I often dream about the house on N Street, and this morning I realized that this year marks 20 years that I've lived outside that house, the only place I've ever felt truly at home.

The dream was this: I was myself at the age that I am now. I went to visit the house and decided to knock on the door. An old lady answered and I said, 'I know you don't know me. My name is Laura and I grew up in this house.' She welcomed me in and I immediately started crying. (In fact, I'm having a hard time not crying while typing this.) Anyway, I walked in and things were somewhat the same as they were when I left. There was still the recessed living room with the dark wood panelling. The kitchen was a little different - they had changed the wallpaper but in the corner over the sink, the had left a little square of the old wallpaper which was torn and crumbling. i touched it and the old lady smiled at me and took my arm. We crossed the house into my old room which was bigger and felt a little off. I pointed out the window that was situated high on the ceiling - a small window that looked out onto a tree in the backyard. I told her that I used to be so afraid of that window, always imagining someone would try to creep through and hurt me at night. then we went into the backyard, which is a sloping, fairly large yard with two trees and a chain link fence that runs the length of the far end. When I was little, the other side of the fence was just open fields that I wasn't allowed to play in. (once me and Jason snuck in there when it was snowing. we ran so far - free and young. we just couldn't resist all that wide open space) anyway, in my dream the field had turned into a golf course, and this made me very sad. I pointed out to the old lady that I had climbed that tree with the little red berries in it almost every day. the dream ended as i stood on the patio looking at the tree.

when i woke up this morning, i remembered the dream. my eyes were swollen and felt weird. i realized that i wasn't just crying in my dream - but also in my sleep.

i've decided that the next time i go to arkansas, i'm going to knock on that door. it scares me to think of how the house has changed and i know it may be very upsetting to go back there. or maybe i should just stay away. i'll always remember how it's supposed to look in my dreams.
-L