Swings Can Help

Sometimes when you are down and life is handing you shit on a plate, all you really need to do is swing.

One of my close friends, Jesse, died on Monday. She committed suicide. I've known Jesse for six years and for most of that time we were good friends. We met at Amoeba. She was one of those people that not everyone was close to, but everyone really liked. She was one of the 'cool' people that were slightly intimidating, that you just knew had all kinds of insights about stuff. And she did. She was also the most discerning film-goer I've ever met. She was always talking about some obscure German or Portugese film that she'd seen. It was one of the things that made her so cool.

Jesse was also hilarious and she had such an infectious laugh. Sometimes when she started laughing she couln't stop and she'd be crying and gasping - it was so funny. She had a very sly and kinda dirty sense of humor, and I can hear her giggling at any number of tacky things I said.

Another great thing about Jesse was that she didn't take any bullshit. I remember her telling off someone at work - something I wished I could do. This pint-sized girl dressed in all black yelling at this 6 foot dumb-ass "Fuck you and never talk to me again." I admired her for that and many other things.

One of my favorite memories with Jesse was when me, her, Lesley and Tim went camping up north. We tried to go to this pretty campsite that I had been to called Hearts Desire, but for some reason it had closed. So we ended up at some crappy place that was practically a trailer park. No lake or river or pretty view. Just grass, a picnic table, and firewood that wouldn't light. We tried so hard to get that crappy wood to light and then we ended up buying a duraflame. It was lame but it was fun. We sat around and told stories then went to sleep and just about froze to death. The next day we went hiking and then discovered a swimming hole. Jesse and I were the only ones brave (dumb) enough to go in the frigid water. It was so cold that we were transluscent and I was losing feeling in my legs. Lesley and Tim just laughed at us - Tim was drinking coffee. He's the only guy I know who drinks coffee on a nature hike. Anyway, Jesse and I had fun swimming.

Monday night Lesley took me to the playground by our house. She said everything feels better when you're swinging. I was tipsy and crying. But I ran to that swing and I went as high as I could, kicking my feet hard against the ground with every passing. I leaned my head back and looked at the world racing towards me upsidedown and out of control. I felt a little more free - a nice kind of melancholy. I will always remember that night, with Lesley and the swings, and how I could almost feel Jesse there swinging with us, finally free from her pain.

-ld