What It Is - Waiting

OK, I need to get this off my chest.

Basically, I'm going crazy. Not like I'm hearing voices or seeing polar bears or something like that, but a different kind of crazz. I am obsessed OBSESSED with the mailbox.

I do not use the term 'obsessed' lightly here. I have dreams about checking the mail. I have even more daydreams about it. You see, one day in the UNKNOWN FUTURE I will receive freakin' letters from the remaining graduate schools I applied to, and I may just die of anticipation before that. I wake up thinking about it, and I go to bed thinking about it, and I even spend time complaining about it to Lesley before bed.

I cannot deal witht the fact that our future is so unknown. It is killing me. I am being serious when I say that I am entering one of those messy depressions, the kind where I don't leave the house. It has been a really long time since I felt like this and I really don't want to back to that, and yet I feel myself slipping into a downward spiral.

My writing about this is not some kind of dramatic cry for help. It was simply suggested by Carlos that I do a new blog posting. So here it is. I am now seriously considering going home and hiding. I told my friend yesterday that I have arrested development and that I simply cannot progress even in minute ways until I find out which fucking path my life is going to take. I told my other friend who is also waiting that I just might punch the next person who tells me that whatever happens is for the best. How the hell do you know?!!

Really, this state of mind that I'm in - this waiting - is just as irritating as it is devestating. I'm so annoyed with myself right now! Why can't I just snap out of it and 'give it to god' or something? Because it is serious, and it is my future and my wife's future, and if I don't go home on lunch to check the mail, it will be the strongest act of will I've ever made.

Ugh. Shut up now.